All Things Kiliel

Almost...

These past few weeks, I have found myself to have fallen succumb into deep isolation doing nothing but read. And not just reading school books, dystopian novels, or the usual classics. Recently, I have spent hours on end straining my eyes reading fanfiction of the dwarven and elven variety.

I am new to this phase of fangirling. In the past, I have only laughed at screen caps and GIFs found in some website or shared by a Facebook friend from whatever fandom I fancy. Until now, I am barely literate to words such as shipping and canon.

But the last twenty days or so, I have buried myself into the matter of consoling my grieving heart due to the inevitable end of Peter Jackson's The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies.

I am well aware that the dwarven prince and elven captain's pairing have been more than frowned upon by a number of Tolkien fans. But I have been captured by their few sweet scenes ever since the Desolation of Smaug. Maybe their short interactions have reminded me of the sweet, innocent exchanges between young lovers that I have since experienced a lack of ever since transferring to an all girl's school four years ago, causing their dreamy gazes to stir in me a feeling of giddiness I have, to my surprise, actually missed.

Reading all these stories (lots of them thanks this post - and yes, I have discovered Tumblr in my quest --pun intended-- to quench my Kiliel thirst) - most of them pure wishful thinking, trying to disregard the true fate our beloved pair has been given and rewriting what cannot be undone with them living happily ever after despite the circumstances - I was given joy. It's nice to see the number of ways these authors have created their own happy ending as they live in denial.

The stories have left me grinning so widely from ear to ear, making me think how much I look like a fool as I read all their sweet moments together pre- or post- BotFA in the school library and trying to conceal my burning cheeks with my jacket sleeve or my hair. But still, I am vaguely aware of the whispering at the back of my mind telling me that none of it is real.

Among all these happy endings, however, I have found the most solace in this beautiful, albeit unfinished fanfiction by marchingjaybird entitled A Mountain Keeps an Echo. It isn't mainly focused on the unfateful lovers but on another dwarf-elf pairing. And it doesn't bring forth an alternate universe where Kili or any of the other of Durin's line survives (I know, I know, I'm still in denial too. But it's the truth, in terms of Tolkien's works anyway). Despite this, just as it grants Tauriel, this story has given me the closure I need.

It may have left me sobbing horrendously (thankfully in the comforts of my room) by the end of the scene, but it has allowed my heart's fresh wound to loose the insistent pain and let it settle to a gentle throb.

I still plan on reading (and re-reading) the rest of the stories from anddante's list and live in my own sweet cloud of denial with my fellow Kiliel shippers. But I am glad to have found a more realistic (canonical?) way of looking at their story once I am strong enough to accept the pair's true fate.

Almost... But almost is never enough

 Lots of Love,