Dream Catcher Stories

Almost...

These past few weeks, I have found myself to have fallen succumb into deep isolation doing nothing but read. And not just reading school books, dystopian novels, or the usual classics. Recently, I have spent hours on end straining my eyes reading fanfiction of the dwarven and elven variety.

I am new to this phase of fangirling. In the past, I have only laughed at screen caps and GIFs found in some website or shared by a Facebook friend from whatever fandom I fancy. Until now, I am barely literate to words such as shipping and canon.

But the last twenty days or so, I have buried myself into the matter of consoling my grieving heart due to the inevitable end of Peter Jackson's The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies.

I am well aware that the dwarven prince and elven captain's pairing have been more than frowned upon by a number of Tolkien fans. But I have been captured by their few sweet scenes ever since the Desolation of Smaug. Maybe their short interactions have reminded me of the sweet, innocent exchanges between young lovers that I have since experienced a lack of ever since transferring to an all girl's school four years ago, causing their dreamy gazes to stir in me a feeling of giddiness I have, to my surprise, actually missed.

Reading all these stories (lots of them thanks this post - and yes, I have discovered Tumblr in my quest --pun intended-- to quench my Kiliel thirst) - most of them pure wishful thinking, trying to disregard the true fate our beloved pair has been given and rewriting what cannot be undone with them living happily ever after despite the circumstances - I was given joy. It's nice to see the number of ways these authors have created their own happy ending as they live in denial.

The stories have left me grinning so widely from ear to ear, making me think how much I look like a fool as I read all their sweet moments together pre- or post- BotFA in the school library and trying to conceal my burning cheeks with my jacket sleeve or my hair. But still, I am vaguely aware of the whispering at the back of my mind telling me that none of it is real.

Among all these happy endings, however, I have found the most solace in this beautiful, albeit unfinished fanfiction by marchingjaybird entitled A Mountain Keeps an Echo. It isn't mainly focused on the unfateful lovers but on another dwarf-elf pairing. And it doesn't bring forth an alternate universe where Kili or any of the other of Durin's line survives (I know, I know, I'm still in denial too. But it's the truth, in terms of Tolkien's works anyway). Despite this, just as it grants Tauriel, this story has given me the closure I need.

It may have left me sobbing horrendously (thankfully in the comforts of my room) by the end of the scene, but it has allowed my heart's fresh wound to loose the insistent pain and let it settle to a gentle throb.

I still plan on reading (and re-reading) the rest of the stories from anddante's list and live in my own sweet cloud of denial with my fellow Kiliel shippers. But I am glad to have found a more realistic (canonical?) way of looking at their story once I am strong enough to accept the pair's true fate.

Almost... But almost is never enough

 Lots of Love,

Glimpses of your face, of your eyes crinkling the way it does when you smile, your voice, your laugh, our fingers touching...

It’s all I could see, all I could remember, all that I was able to commit to memory...

It’s all these that I hold on to until at last, I could lay my head and close my eyes, and once more see you smiling at me.

 

J<3

I saw you standing a few feet from me. It’s only you I see in the mad sea of people around us. It felt as though the world has stopped for a moment, with only our eyes holding each others’ gazes. But as fast as it started, it quickly ended when your eyes fell to the floor and you went your own way.

Milling around the confusion of clothing, accessories, and all that nonsense, trying to find a gift for him, I couldn’t help my mind from wandering to thoughts of you. How you had this effect on me, after only that moment of contact, I do not know, but it was enough to let my defense crumble. I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose to relax myself, only to see his eyes, hear his voice, and I’m brought back to present, if only for a moment.

If only you knew how you made me feel...

If only he knew how he made me feel...

If only I knew how I exactly feel...

Confusion is still etched in my face even as I wake, with these images of you, both of you, running through my head as I go about my day.

 

It was all new to me, the feeling of our hands linked, if not for the dance that we had to perform. All attention was on us - a pair of teenagers, playing a part of lovers. They were all over you, as always, agreeing to take my place when I shyly declined. But your eyes were only on me, and oh, how my heart melted when you took me to stand beside you, hands on my hips, eyes twinkling.


The dance was just for show, and I have no recollection of how the presentation ended, but I remember how dancing with you felt as natural as breathing. Our bodies fit perfectly, and our movements fluid.

Smiling and laughing with our friends, just like always, however, secretly stealing glances, whispering sweet nonsense, our fingers linked, hidden under tables, between touched shoulders in closed spaces... The attraction is in the air, buzzing like hungry bees. And it was all we could do to keep our intertwined hands from their sight.

Why we separated, I do not know. But when your eyes met mine, years as it may seem, when I last saw them, I couldn’t help but reach out to you, all the longing felt in the touch of my fingers to your face, at the way your lips brushed my fingers...