Letter #19122: Can't get you out of my head

2:04 PM | Labels: , , ,

I've never forgotten about you.

More than a decade and you still fill my dreams. Only it probably isn't the real you. Not when I haven't known the real you for years. It's all just a memory that for some reason my subconscious will not stop holding on to. 

Usually I forget. I wake up and it feels like sand slowly slipping through my fingers until it's just a vague sense of butterflies and gentle touches. But today it's different.

I was lost.

I was just trying to find my place in a sea of never ending faces. 

Then I see you.

Sometimes in my dreams I pretend that I didn't have feelings for you. You show up and you're just far from reach, living in your own world and crossing paths with mine here and there. These dreams are closer to the truth. But sometimes I give in. I let myself believe that you were mine, and I was yours.

I see you and I'm home.

We settle into whatever story the dream was unfolding into. Some activity orchestrated by an invisible hand. But I'm no longer lost. I could feel your hand gently touching my lower back as if saying I'm here and I'm never going away.



J<3

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Posted by dreamcatcher

Letter # 16116: To AA (Chocolate Stains and Purple Clothing)

8:43 PM | Labels: ,

Sometimes I ask myself if ghosts are real because I think the ghost of my grandmother is with me wherever I go.
 
It is there whenever I stain my clothes with chocolate and try to wash it off, and I see her trying to help me remove it. Just the way she did that one time during a family vacation.
 
It's there whenever I wear or see things that once belonged to her. And I remember how her outfit would never be complete without a slip-on wrist watch, something purple, and a long necklace.
 
I feel it whenever I fall asleep in the car and need something to lean my head on. And she would offer her shoulders even if I'm too tall to lean on it, just the way she used to when I was just a nine-year-old who was a tiny bit taller than her.
 
I feel it every time I use the blanket she gave me all those years ago, making me long for her arms to wrap me up in their warmth.
 
I see it in my mother's ears, my sister's nose, and in all of her pictures saved on my phone.
 
I see it in everyone else's grandmother and grandfather I meet on the street. And it makes me wish for more than just her ghost.
 
Because who I want to see, and feel, and be with isn't her ghost. I want her. And it hurts because I know what I'm asking for is too much.
___________________________________________________________________________________

Happy birthday!

J<3

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Posted by dreamcatcher

Letter # 15216: Late Night Ramblings (To HA)

7:52 PM | Labels: ,

I knew it was nothing. That's what I kept telling myself as I see you eight feet away from me smiling to the girl seated across the aisle from you. We barely even talked, much less know each other this past six months we've been acquainted. Just a 'hi' and 'hello', or some random joke here and there.
 
Whatever nothing was, it crept up on me as you said something funny along the stairwell on our way to class. Whatever nothing was, it came like a hurricane when we first spoke to each other for more than the polite greeting.
 
We're in one big room four hours a day. five days a week, yet we act like shadows passing by in the horizon - standing next to each other, yet not really touching. Is this how nothing feels? How my eyes seem to be glued to you whenever I see you. Or is it the way my mind starts looking for you each time I enter a room? Maybe it's when I see you speak to her about something or the other while I'm on my seat thinking of what to have for lunch and wondering why I felt my chest ache, just a little.
 
You're there. She's there. I'm here. So I want to know, do you feel nothing too?


J<3

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Posted by dreamcatcher

Letter #15105: To IA

7:12 PM | Labels: , ,

Hey! How are you? I hope you're doing fine.
 
So... I just wanted to tell you that I dreamt about you. Again.
 
I know, it's weird. I don't understand it either. It isn't normal for someone to dream about a person you only see and communicate with occasionally. It's been months since I last saw you (in person). But that's the truth.
 
Just like always in my dreams, everything felt so real. The only give away (which, in hindsight, I should have realized as a telltale sign as I was dreaming) was that we liked each other. Or well, you liked me back. 
 
But there's something about this dream that makes me want to tell you about it. For once, I actually talked to you about how I felt about you - before I get ahead of myself, I'll tell you what my dream was about.

    We were going to some form of event. Our friend was setting us up to be partners for something or the other to represent our group (it seemed like we were back in school for a reunion or some such). To set us up, she wanted me to sit next to you, which at first, I didn't know equated to being your partner. I was being awkward and kept on refusing the seat. So she just called another female friend of ours to be your partner.

    I guess it was pretty obvious on how I looked like that I didn't like the set up. Also, it was obvious that you and the rest of our friends knew about how I felt. But, I was being very prideful, so I didn't give in.

    After sometime though, I (grudgingly) agreed to be your partner. Partner for what, I have no idea. We left the group, and you asked me what was going on - why I kept on avoiding you. To this, I told you that I was afraid that maybe, I still liked you. I didn't want to be stuck in the past having feelings for someone who might have grown into a person I barely know. Who you were more than five years ago is different from who you are now. And maybe, the person that I like does not exist anymore.

    Whatever you told me changed my mind. Things got better (the way they almost always happen in dreamland). In short, we acknowledged what we felt for each other and became an item.

    We were finally happy. I have no idea about how much time have passed in my dream. But one day, when we were out with another friend, I got separated from you due to a large crowd. When I found my friend and still couldn't find you, she told me that you might have just gotten stuck somewhere, or that maybe you forgot something from where we came from. She even said that you wouldn't leave me because you would never do that to me.

    I went back and retraced our steps. But I couldn't find you anywhere even after the whole place emptied out.
 
I've read somewhere how we actually feel the emotions we are feeling in our dreams. And sometimes, when the emotions are too much, we suddenly wake up. I was so sad when I couldn't find you, I felt like crying in my dream. I remember laying down on a bench, closing my eyes, and waiting for the tears to come. That's when I woke up.
 
I didn't have actual tears, but I felt everything - the pain, the confusion, the emptiness. I played in my head everything that I could remember about the dream. And that's when the tears came. Usually, when I dream about us, I try my best to fall back asleep just so I could continue what we had even if I knew none of it was real. But at that moment, I couldn't fall back to sleep. I didn't want to dream about my heart breaking.

I know you did nothing to me to deserve this rant. I just wanted to write this down to take it out of my chest. I don't even know if this would ever get to you (I hope it won't). But, if by some reason you do get to read this and find yourself realizing that this must be you I'm talking about, I don't want this to change whatever form of friendship we have. Because I'd rather have you as a friend that I still might secretly have a crush on after all this years, than a stranger that I miss all because I have nights when it's your face I see in my mind.


J<3

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Posted by dreamcatcher

Letter #15902: To IA

9:12 PM | Labels: , , ,

Looking back, I realize that I should have known.

I should have known the moment our barkada was complete. Everyone showed up. The last time all six of us were there was my birthday two years ago. And it hasn't happened since.

I should have know when there weren't any awkward silences. Nobody separated themselves into their own little groups. Everyone was a part of the conversation. Which was unusual in any of our past get-togethers with the rest of our friends without having the need to play a complicated game of some sort.

I should have known when, the moment I saw you entering the room, I did not try to hide how I feel. We acted normal. Any attraction that I felt towards you was, for the first time, not unwelcome. I looked you in the eye and smiled, and I did not feel shy or any regret.

I should have known with the way you looked at me and smiled back. We all said our hi's and hello's to you and our friends you came with, patting each other and hugging. You hugged me, and at that moment, I should have known. Because you never did.

There were other signs. Instances that whispered that none of it was true - hands touching, glances lingering, lips kissing...

I know, I should have known. But I did not know. That is why when I woke up, it was still a surprise to find out it was all a dream. And that even after all these years, you still surprise me the way you used to.


J<3

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Posted by dreamcatcher

Letter #15724: To AA

5:21 PM | Labels: , , ,

It has been exactly one year, 10 hours, 30 minutes, and 17 seconds since that day happened. The moment when we heard the two words we've both been expecting and dreading to hear. The phone rang, and that moment, I knew. I knew you were gone.

For every day that have passed, it has been easier to live a life without you in it. I realize that I can now look at your framed picture in the living room and not cry or feel sad. Life has, in a way, seemed normal. I now live everyday, like any normal 20 year old in college. But for 19 years, my definition of normal was different. Because for 19 years, 11 months, and 15 days, my life had you in it.

I know it's been one year, 10 hours, 34 minutes, and 11 seconds, but there are just times when I remember. I remember how we had to celebrate Christmas without you and how you missed seeing me come up the stage, receive my diploma, and be awarded with a medal. I remember that today, just like any other day since last year, I couldn't hug you anymore or kiss you, hear you laugh or see you smile. And I can't help but think that I would give anything just to spend 5 more minutes with you just to tell you how much I love you.

I wish I spent more time listening to your stories. I wish I visited you more often, kissed you more, hugged you more. There are so many things I wish I could have told you and shared with you. There are still so many things I wish we could still do together in the future. But there's nothing more I wish the most than to go back in time one year and a day just to tell myself to treasure every moment I had  with you. Because 19 year old me is lucky to still have you.

It has been one year, 10 hours, 40 minutes, and 38 seconds, but I still miss you.

Love always,
J<3

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Posted by dreamcatcher

Closure

11:37 PM | Labels: , , ,

"Dude, I don't know, but I think I need closure... The only problem is how?"
 
My friend's statement caused a slight intake of breath from me. It felt a lot like an echo of the sentiment I kept from my own experiences around five years ago. "Trust me. You do need closure. It wouldn't do you good to be kept hanging and without a proper..." A proper what? Break-up? There wasn't even a relationship to begin with. "...ending."
 
Yes. that's right. Just like any story, things in life deserve a proper ending.
 
--
 
After that night filled with whispered secrets, shared laughter, problems, and experiences of a side of each other's life my friend and I were basically strangers in after months, maybe even years of actually talking, this particular conversation struck me.
 
She and I, in our own different ways, have been in relationships that were not romantic relationships per se, but involved a bunch of emotion and attraction between the two parties. We both face (in my case, faced) the same dilemma of wanting to experience a proper goodbye without knowing how to. Because, let's face it, he wasn't really a boyfriend. So there couldn't have been a break-up and a chance to tie loose ends, right?
 
Wrong. There might have been no need for a break-up, but tying loose ends is essential in any relationship that needs to end (whether badly or for the good of all involved). This would have prevented the emotional toll it would cause either or both parties.
 
In my case, if only we had closure, I would not have spent the last four years asking myself what happened or what did I do wrong. It might have saved me from the sleepless nights spent thinking of alternate endings, might have beens, could have beens, should have beens... Things that kept me speculating and pining over unknown circumstances. 
 
I'm pretty sure I'm over him. I've proven it myself when he was right in my face (my heart might have skipped a beat, though that's because I was really surprised, or so I tell myself). But I wish I was saved from all those years filled with emotional rollercoasters over a relationship that did not exist.
 
Most especially, I'd like to save my friend from being kept tethered to a person - or rather a situation, some point in her life where she got stuck - because of baggage too hard for her to carry. I wouldn't want her to get stuck over something that deserves to be seen more of as a learning experience (something to remember, but not kept to be lingered on) than a mistake.
 
Getting stranded in the land of might-have-been is really hard. I've been down that road more than once in the last few years. I wouldn't want to be back, nor would I want anybody to stay there for long.
 
Closure isn't just for boyfriends and girlfriends experiencing a break-up. Even almost-relationships or friendships need closure too. When emotions are involved, a proper goodbye has to be said to avoid keeping one party hanging, waiting for the other to come back or still needing answers to questions unasked.
 
But that doesn't mean it's The End, it could just mean turning the page for the next chapter.
 

 Lots of Love,

J<3

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Posted by dreamcatcher
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