Showing posts with label Dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dreams. Show all posts

Letter #19122: Can't get you out of my head

2:04 PM | Labels: , , ,

I've never forgotten about you.

More than a decade and you still fill my dreams. Only it probably isn't the real you. Not when I haven't known the real you for years. It's all just a memory that for some reason my subconscious will not stop holding on to. 

Usually I forget. I wake up and it feels like sand slowly slipping through my fingers until it's just a vague sense of butterflies and gentle touches. But today it's different.

I was lost.

I was just trying to find my place in a sea of never ending faces. 

Then I see you.

Sometimes in my dreams I pretend that I didn't have feelings for you. You show up and you're just far from reach, living in your own world and crossing paths with mine here and there. These dreams are closer to the truth. But sometimes I give in. I let myself believe that you were mine, and I was yours.

I see you and I'm home.

We settle into whatever story the dream was unfolding into. Some activity orchestrated by an invisible hand. But I'm no longer lost. I could feel your hand gently touching my lower back as if saying I'm here and I'm never going away.



J<3

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Posted by dreamcatcher

Letter #15105: To IA

7:12 PM | Labels: , ,

Hey! How are you? I hope you're doing fine.
 
So... I just wanted to tell you that I dreamt about you. Again.
 
I know, it's weird. I don't understand it either. It isn't normal for someone to dream about a person you only see and communicate with occasionally. It's been months since I last saw you (in person). But that's the truth.
 
Just like always in my dreams, everything felt so real. The only give away (which, in hindsight, I should have realized as a telltale sign as I was dreaming) was that we liked each other. Or well, you liked me back. 
 
But there's something about this dream that makes me want to tell you about it. For once, I actually talked to you about how I felt about you - before I get ahead of myself, I'll tell you what my dream was about.

    We were going to some form of event. Our friend was setting us up to be partners for something or the other to represent our group (it seemed like we were back in school for a reunion or some such). To set us up, she wanted me to sit next to you, which at first, I didn't know equated to being your partner. I was being awkward and kept on refusing the seat. So she just called another female friend of ours to be your partner.

    I guess it was pretty obvious on how I looked like that I didn't like the set up. Also, it was obvious that you and the rest of our friends knew about how I felt. But, I was being very prideful, so I didn't give in.

    After sometime though, I (grudgingly) agreed to be your partner. Partner for what, I have no idea. We left the group, and you asked me what was going on - why I kept on avoiding you. To this, I told you that I was afraid that maybe, I still liked you. I didn't want to be stuck in the past having feelings for someone who might have grown into a person I barely know. Who you were more than five years ago is different from who you are now. And maybe, the person that I like does not exist anymore.

    Whatever you told me changed my mind. Things got better (the way they almost always happen in dreamland). In short, we acknowledged what we felt for each other and became an item.

    We were finally happy. I have no idea about how much time have passed in my dream. But one day, when we were out with another friend, I got separated from you due to a large crowd. When I found my friend and still couldn't find you, she told me that you might have just gotten stuck somewhere, or that maybe you forgot something from where we came from. She even said that you wouldn't leave me because you would never do that to me.

    I went back and retraced our steps. But I couldn't find you anywhere even after the whole place emptied out.
 
I've read somewhere how we actually feel the emotions we are feeling in our dreams. And sometimes, when the emotions are too much, we suddenly wake up. I was so sad when I couldn't find you, I felt like crying in my dream. I remember laying down on a bench, closing my eyes, and waiting for the tears to come. That's when I woke up.
 
I didn't have actual tears, but I felt everything - the pain, the confusion, the emptiness. I played in my head everything that I could remember about the dream. And that's when the tears came. Usually, when I dream about us, I try my best to fall back asleep just so I could continue what we had even if I knew none of it was real. But at that moment, I couldn't fall back to sleep. I didn't want to dream about my heart breaking.

I know you did nothing to me to deserve this rant. I just wanted to write this down to take it out of my chest. I don't even know if this would ever get to you (I hope it won't). But, if by some reason you do get to read this and find yourself realizing that this must be you I'm talking about, I don't want this to change whatever form of friendship we have. Because I'd rather have you as a friend that I still might secretly have a crush on after all this years, than a stranger that I miss all because I have nights when it's your face I see in my mind.


J<3

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Posted by dreamcatcher

Letter #15902: To IA

9:12 PM | Labels: , , ,

Looking back, I realize that I should have known.

I should have known the moment our barkada was complete. Everyone showed up. The last time all six of us were there was my birthday two years ago. And it hasn't happened since.

I should have know when there weren't any awkward silences. Nobody separated themselves into their own little groups. Everyone was a part of the conversation. Which was unusual in any of our past get-togethers with the rest of our friends without having the need to play a complicated game of some sort.

I should have known when, the moment I saw you entering the room, I did not try to hide how I feel. We acted normal. Any attraction that I felt towards you was, for the first time, not unwelcome. I looked you in the eye and smiled, and I did not feel shy or any regret.

I should have known with the way you looked at me and smiled back. We all said our hi's and hello's to you and our friends you came with, patting each other and hugging. You hugged me, and at that moment, I should have known. Because you never did.

There were other signs. Instances that whispered that none of it was true - hands touching, glances lingering, lips kissing...

I know, I should have known. But I did not know. That is why when I woke up, it was still a surprise to find out it was all a dream. And that even after all these years, you still surprise me the way you used to.


J<3

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Posted by dreamcatcher

Letter #15110: To IA

9:24 PM | Labels: , , ,

Glimpses of your face, of your eyes crinkling the way it does when you smile, your voice, your laugh, our fingers touching...

It’s all I could see, all I could remember, all that I was able to commit to memory...

It’s all these that I hold on to until at last, I could lay my head and close my eyes, and once more see you smiling at me.

 
J<3

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Posted by dreamcatcher

Letter #12233: To EZ

9:32 PM | Labels: , , ,

I saw you standing a few feet from me. It’s only you I see in the mad sea of people around us. It felt as though the world has stopped for a moment, with only our eyes holding each others’ gazes. But as fast as it started, it quickly ended when your eyes fell to the floor and you went your own way.

Milling around the confusion of clothing, accessories, and all that nonsense, trying to find a gift for him, I couldn’t help my mind from wandering to thoughts of you. How you had this effect on me, after only that moment of contact, I do not know, but it was enough to let my defense crumble. I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose to relax myself, only to see his eyes, hear his voice, and I’m brought back to present, if only for a moment.

If only you knew how you made me feel...

If only he knew how he made me feel...

If only I knew how I exactly feel...

Confusion is still etched in my face even as I wake, with these images of you, both of you, running through my head as I go about my day.

 
J<3

 

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Posted by dreamcatcher

Letter #07001: To IA

11:29 PM | Labels: , , , ,

It was all new to me, the feeling of our hands linked, if not for the dance that we had to perform. All attention was on us - a pair of teenagers, playing a part of lovers. They were all over you, as always, agreeing to take my place when I shyly declined. But your eyes were only on me, and oh, how my heart melted when you took me to stand beside you, hands on my hips, eyes twinkling.


The dance was just for show, and I have no recollection of how the presentation ended, but I remember how dancing with you felt as natural as breathing. Our bodies fit perfectly, and our movements fluid.

Smiling and laughing with our friends, just like always, however, secretly stealing glances, whispering sweet nonsense, our fingers linked, hidden under tables, between touched shoulders in closed spaces... The attraction is in the air, buzzing like hungry bees. And it was all we could do to keep our intertwined hands from their sight.

Why we separated, I do not know. But when your eyes met mine, years as it may seem, when I last saw them, I couldn’t help but reach out to you, all the longing felt in the touch of my fingers to your face, at the way your lips brushed my fingers...


J<3

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Posted by dreamcatcher

Ramen Love

12:23 PM | Labels: , ,

A nice movie and a big bowl of ramen with the people you miss is a perfect reunion in and on itself. Laughing, joking around and teasing is everything you expect and more whenever I go on a reunion with my friends. So it looked a lot like a normal get-together, except for the part when we were obviously secretly flirting.

Okay, I'm not sure about the flirting, but we were both secretly sending hints to each other, if you know what I mean. But right before anything happens, I wake up! So much for a sweet dream. I tried my best to get back into the dream to see if we'll end up right beside each other, but to no avail.

All I know is that in my dream, I was visited by two of the things I like a lot - ramen and you .


Lots of Love,
J<3

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Posted by dreamcatcher

Dream #2

12:13 PM | Labels: , ,

You were the king and I was your queen. You just saved my life and everyone around were cheering, until the director yelled "Cut!" over the uproar of students, and our play was over. Our classroom's platform was turned into a stage. I don't know how it happened; how real it all looked. Our professor had to go to the other class and see how they performed, so we all decided to take a break.

We walked down the hall, side by side, our hands touching from time to time and deep inside I wished your hands took mine. But the coward in me took over and I held my hand to my back, a blush quickly rising to my cheeks.

I found a quick excuse to leave you when I saw my friends, so I left before you could say goodbye. We ate, we talked, but my mind kept going to where you were.

When we got back to our room, we all did our errands for the production of our play. Everything that went after was fuzzy, but all I could remember was that when I passed by our classroom and saw it was filled with students, I hurried and kept my eye looking straight, making my way to the comfort room.

I needed an excuse, 'cause I knew what was next - our play was about to start and the coward in me wouldn't face what we had. We started as friends, but the moment we first played lovers, we both knew something was between us.

Realizing what I had done, I quickly ran back to face everything, because hey, it was just a play, right? But to my surprise, I was five seconds too late. I entered the room and realized somebody already took my place; a different girl was in your arms. I saw you look at me, trying to search my face.

I tried to keep my cool, telling everyone I was alright when deep inside I was crushed. But hey, it's just a play, right? I told the director I could just trade roles with her. I took whatever it was and sat down, waiting for my turn.

I tried with all my strength not to look at you, but I knew your eyes were on me. So I just lay my head on my desk and closed my eyes as tears slowly ran down my cheeks. But hey, it's just a play, right? What's with all the crying?

I opened my eyes, still wet with tears, then I realized I wasn't in our old classroom with desks and props around us - I was in my room, lying on my bed.

I was dreaming. Everything felt so real. I closed my eyes and tried to continue the dream. I forced myself to sleep to find out what happened next, but to no avail. So I lay down my bed and spent the next hours on a daze trying to find out what it all meant.

But does it really mean anything?


J<3

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Posted by dreamcatcher

It started with a dream...

1:44 PM | Labels: , , , , ,

I’m in the second floor of one of our school (high school) buildings, and you and I, together with our batch mates are practicing for our turnover. It involved some dancing, to the waltz I think, and we are partners. You kept holding my hand, but I would just pull away. Then you placed your arm around my shoulder and just smiled at me.

Our friends and classmates teased us, but you just stood by my side. The music started playing, and we danced. We are smiling at each other, laughing, having fun. You had one hand on my waist and another holding my hand. And whenever I looked into your eyes, you would look back at me and just smile.

Not much words were said, but I felt how much you cared for me; then I WOKE UP.

I was in second year high school when I first dreamt of IA. And now I keep dreaming of him again. But this time it’s not just him, sometimes I would dream about EZ too (although not at the same time).

I don't know it it's because of the medicine I've been drinking (something for my allergies; it keeps me asleep for about twelve hours straight), or if it's because of the book I'm trying to write - a love story (I've got a little writers block, and I'm trying to inspire myself by playing back the "moments" I've had with my previous crushes because I've got no real inspiration). But whatever it is causing me to dream about the guys I used to like (whom I haven't seen for a long time), they got me into thinking if I still have feelings for them. After all, the first time I recognized my feelings for them was when I first dreamt about them.

Probably those dreams of mine in the past were just wake-up calls, telling  me "Hey, dude! You clearly like him. Why can't you see that?" But what about these dreams that I've been having recently, what are they trying to tell me?


They say that our dreams are part of our subconscious, something that we want, something we're trying to hide, something we're worried of but keep pushing to the back of our minds. But the thing is, in my dreams, they like me back. They would be the ones holding my hand, leaning close to me, and looking at me as if I'm the only person in the room. And those things never happened for real (except for the ones Y would explicitly do just to tease back our classmates who keep teasing "us").


Both those crushes ended up with us just being friends (or maybe less than friends). One of them knew how I felt for him in the end, the other guy... I don't know. We have a weirder relationship - I found out I like him, then our common friends found out I like him, a couple weeks after, I found out he likes me. I know it sounds sweet and cute  and whatever, but everything got weird afterwards. It's hard to explain how, but all I can say is, right now, I sure wish I could turn back time and prevent myself from knowing that he liked me back.


Every time I wake up from any of those dreams, I have a sudden rush of emotions, bringing back all the ones I felt before, and bringing in new ones I have yet to understand. A part of me wishes that those dreams could somehow turn into reality. Another part of me longs for the dreams to just stop coming so that I could finally forget Y and P completely. But this tiny part of me is trying her very best to hold on to them, to my memories, because no matter what happened between us, they have been a great part of my teenage life.


Whether those dreams go back or not, I don't know. Whether I like them to come back, I also don't know. I'm not sure what I know about [how I feel for] them. I guess I just miss them, and my dreams are just a way of my body to cope up with it. They're still my friends, right? I sure hope the answer to that question is yes.



Lots of Love,
J<3

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Posted by dreamcatcher
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