Letter #15105: To IA

Hey! How are you? I hope you're doing fine.

 

So... I just wanted to tell you that I dreamt about you. Again.

 

I know, it's weird. I don't understand it either. It isn't normal for someone to dream about a person you only see and communicate with occasionally. It's been months since I last saw you (in person). But that's the truth.

 

Just like always in my dreams, everything felt so real. The only give away (which, in hindsight, I should have realized as a telltale sign as I was dreaming) was that we liked each other. Or well, you liked me back. 

 

But there's something about this dream that makes me want to tell you about it. For once, I actually talked to you about how I felt about you - before I get ahead of myself, I'll tell you what my dream was about.

We were going to some form of event. Our friend was setting us up to be partners for something or the other to represent our group (it seemed like we were back in school for a reunion or some such). To set us up, she wanted me to sit next to you, which at first, I didn't know equated to being your partner. I was being awkward and kept on refusing the seat. So she just called another female friend of ours to be your partner.

I guess it was pretty obvious on how I looked like that I didn't like the set up. Also, it was obvious that you and the rest of our friends knew about how I felt. But, I was being very prideful, so I didn't give in.

After sometime though, I (grudgingly) agreed to be your partner. Partner for what, I have no idea. We left the group, and you asked me what was going on - why I kept on avoiding you. To this, I told you that I was afraid that maybe, I still liked you. I didn't want to be stuck in the past having feelings for someone who might have grown into a person I barely know. Who you were more than five years ago is different from who you are now. And maybe, the person that I like does not exist anymore.

Whatever you told me changed my mind. Things got better (the way they almost always happen in dreamland). In short, we acknowledged what we felt for each other and became an item.

We were finally happy. I have no idea about how much time have passed in my dream. But one day, when we were out with another friend, I got separated from you due to a large crowd. When I found my friend and still couldn't find you, she told me that you might have just gotten stuck somewhere, or that maybe you forgot something from where we came from. She even said that you wouldn't leave me because you would never do that to me.

I went back and retraced our steps. But I couldn't find you anywhere even after the whole place emptied out.

 

I've read somewhere how we actually feel the emotions we are feeling in our dreams. And sometimes, when the emotions are too much, we suddenly wake up. I was so sad when I couldn't find you, I felt like crying in my dream. I remember laying down on a bench, closing my eyes, and waiting for the tears to come. That's when I woke up.

 

I didn't have actual tears, but I felt everything - the pain, the confusion, the emptiness. I played in my head everything that I could remember about the dream. And that's when the tears came. Usually, when I dream about us, I try my best to fall back asleep just so I could continue what we had even if I knew none of it was real. But at that moment, I couldn't fall back to sleep. I didn't want to dream about my heart breaking.

I know you did nothing to me to deserve this rant. I just wanted to write this down to take it out of my chest. I don't even know if this would ever get to you (I hope it won't). But, if by some reason you do get to read this and find yourself realizing that this must be you I'm talking about, I don't want this to change whatever form of friendship we have. Because I'd rather have you as a friend that I still might secretly have a crush on after all this years, than a stranger that I miss all because I have nights when it's your face I see in my mind.