I’m in the second floor of one of our school (high school)
buildings, and you and I, together with our batch mates are practicing for our
turnover. It involved some dancing, to the waltz I think, and we are partners.
You kept holding my hand, but I would just pull away. Then you placed your arm
around my shoulder and just smiled at me.
Our friends and classmates teased us, but you just stood by
my side. The music started playing, and we danced. We are smiling at each
other, laughing, having fun. You had one hand on my waist and another holding
my hand. And whenever I looked into your eyes, you would look back at me and
just smile.
Not much words were said, but I felt how much you cared for
me; then I WOKE UP.
I was in second year high school when I first
dreamt of IA. And now I keep dreaming of him again. But this time it’s not just
him, sometimes I would dream about EZ too (although not at the same time).
I don't know it it's because of the medicine I've been drinking (something for my allergies; it keeps me asleep for about twelve hours straight), or if it's because of the book I'm trying to write - a love story (I've got a little writers block, and I'm trying to inspire myself by playing back the "moments" I've had with my previous crushes because I've got no real inspiration). But whatever it is causing me to dream about the guys I used to like (whom I haven't seen for a long time), they got me into thinking if I still have feelings for them. After all, the first time I recognized my feelings for them was when I first dreamt about them.
Probably those dreams of mine in the past were just wake-up calls, telling me "Hey, dude! You clearly like him. Why can't you see that?" But what about these dreams that I've been having recently, what are they trying to tell me?
They say that our dreams are part of our subconscious, something that we want, something we're trying to hide, something we're worried of but keep pushing to the back of our minds. But the thing is, in my dreams, they like me back. They would be the ones holding my hand, leaning close to me, and looking at me as if I'm the only person in the room. And those things never happened for real (except for the ones Y would explicitly do just to tease back our classmates who keep teasing "us").
Both those crushes ended up with us just being friends (or maybe less than friends). One of them knew how I felt for him in the end, the other guy... I don't know. We have a weirder relationship - I found out I like him, then our common friends found out I like him, a couple weeks after, I found out he likes me. I know it sounds sweet and cute and whatever, but everything got weird afterwards. It's hard to explain how, but all I can say is, right now, I sure wish I could turn back time and prevent myself from knowing that he liked me back.
Every time I wake up from any of those dreams, I have a sudden rush of emotions, bringing back all the ones I felt before, and bringing in new ones I have yet to understand. A part of me wishes that those dreams could somehow turn into reality. Another part of me longs for the dreams to just stop coming so that I could finally forget Y and P completely. But this tiny part of me is trying her very best to hold on to them, to my memories, because no matter what happened between us, they have been a great part of my teenage life.
Whether those dreams go back or not, I don't know. Whether I like them to come back, I also don't know. I'm not sure what I know about [how I feel for] them. I guess I just miss them, and my dreams are just a way of my body to cope up with it. They're still my friends, right? I sure hope the answer to that question is yes.
They say that our dreams are part of our subconscious, something that we want, something we're trying to hide, something we're worried of but keep pushing to the back of our minds. But the thing is, in my dreams, they like me back. They would be the ones holding my hand, leaning close to me, and looking at me as if I'm the only person in the room. And those things never happened for real (except for the ones Y would explicitly do just to tease back our classmates who keep teasing "us").
Both those crushes ended up with us just being friends (or maybe less than friends). One of them knew how I felt for him in the end, the other guy... I don't know. We have a weirder relationship - I found out I like him, then our common friends found out I like him, a couple weeks after, I found out he likes me. I know it sounds sweet and cute and whatever, but everything got weird afterwards. It's hard to explain how, but all I can say is, right now, I sure wish I could turn back time and prevent myself from knowing that he liked me back.
Every time I wake up from any of those dreams, I have a sudden rush of emotions, bringing back all the ones I felt before, and bringing in new ones I have yet to understand. A part of me wishes that those dreams could somehow turn into reality. Another part of me longs for the dreams to just stop coming so that I could finally forget Y and P completely. But this tiny part of me is trying her very best to hold on to them, to my memories, because no matter what happened between us, they have been a great part of my teenage life.
Whether those dreams go back or not, I don't know. Whether I like them to come back, I also don't know. I'm not sure what I know about [how I feel for] them. I guess I just miss them, and my dreams are just a way of my body to cope up with it. They're still my friends, right? I sure hope the answer to that question is yes.
Lots of Love,
J<3
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