I was driving to school this morning, minding my own business and snickering quietly because I noticed my little sister cutely fast asleep in the passenger's seat. Ninety-nine point nine percent of my concentration was on the road, while point one percent was wondering around what I will be doing in school for the six-and-a-half hours I will be spending in the library.
I was looking forward to grab a snooze for a few minutes (or maybe a few hours) in the social hall or in the library when five minutes away from my home away from home, I noticed a familiar face in the jeepney right in front of me. Suddenly, I was fighting hard to keep my concentration on driving and not on the face of a friend I used to spend most of my days with for almost a whole school year. I wanted to let my car stay still, but the jeep was taking so long to move.
So I did the logical thing a driver would do: I went past the jeep. It was still idling at the corner to let a passenger down, but I kept looking through my rear view mirror, wishing that the jeep would drive by me so I could get a glimpse of that face again.
My heart was beating really fast, and hundreds of questions were running through my head. "Did he see me?" "What's happening?" "Why is my heartbeat like this?" "What does it mean?" "If he did see me, which I doubt, would he feel this way too?" I wanted with all my might to just stop the car, wait for the jeep drive by me, and follow it. But again, I did the logical thing: continue driving.
I took a left in the next corner and noticed that the jeep stopped once more to let another passenger down - him. The jeep then drove by me while I was parking my car, and I couldn't help but look at the spot where he was moments ago, wishing he was still there.
I haven't seen him for nineteen months, and I regret that I let every chance of seeing him pass. I thought I forgot about him, but why is it that after a three-second glimpse of his face, everything's back to how they were nineteen months ago? It just makes things complicated once again.
Showing posts with label Heartbreak. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Heartbreak. Show all posts
Jeepney
Lots of Love,
J<3
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Memories
Hey again! In case you're wondering why my posts are less than two hours apart, it's 'cause I've been in school since 7am (even if I knew my class doesn't start 'til 9am). Then suddenly, I found out that same class was moved to 10:30 am. And just now, that same class still, is cancelled (that may seem fun but it's not if you've been in school for almost four hours and it's been happening for four weeks now). Just to make things worse, my friends all decided to do something else before our 1:30 class (two went home, one won't be coming to that 1:30 class and is out with someone, and the other is still at home). So I guess off to the library for me...again.
Anyway, that's not really part of this post.
To begin things, I would like to ask you a question: "How do you really say you've stopped liking (liking /ˈlaɪ kɪŋ/ v. thinking of the person constantly; admiring the person. Synonym: crushing) someone?"
To begin things, I would like to ask you a question: "How do you really say you've stopped liking (liking /ˈlaɪ kɪŋ/ v. thinking of the person constantly; admiring the person. Synonym: crushing) someone?"
If you've read my previous post Why do girls watch drama?, you know that I haven't had a real crush before. And being an NBSB (No Boyfriend Since Birth), crushing is as far as it gets.
As far as I could remember, I've had probably five crushes that I could consider real. And each time, one crush ends when the other begins (or when we stop being classmates). But right now, I don't think that's the case. Or is it?
This time, it's a bit complicated (probably 'cause I'm older?). The last two people I used to like still would creep in on me sometimes (and the last time I've seen one of them is four months, the other sixteen).
I used to dream about them (sometimes separately, sometimes together - which is weird 'cause they've never met IRL). And when the dreams end, I remember them for a day or two, then they're back into the recesses of my subconscious. If you ask me if I like anyone during the normal days (normal days /ˈnɔr məl deɪz/ n. days when I don't dream of them or haven't dream't of them recently), I'll say nobody. If I see a post about liking somebody, no one pops into my mind.
It's like during normal circumstances, they're just part of my past, but when something triggers a memory, pictures of them just floods my mind. Like this morning, my uniform's collar was all messed up. As I was fixing it, I remember the time when one of them fixed my messy collar out of the blue. And the other day, when I was watching something on TV and the lead actors did something similar from what me and the other dude used too do, I would remember him as well.
The weirdest part: if you examine everything, it would seem that I still like the both of them at the same time. So what's happening to me?
I don't really know if my answer's correct, but I think I don't like them both anymore (or if I ever loved them, I don't love them that way anymore). It's just that I love the memories we had. They were good times and fun times. And maybe I just can't let go of them just yet. I remember my friend once told me that sometimes you really don't like the person anymore. It's the memories you had that you hold onto and not him. It's just that you got so used to telling everyone (including yourself) that he's the guy you like, that now that the feelings are gone, you get confused. I guess I'll find out in time (or maybe when I start liking someone else :P).
Lots of Love,
J<3
Why do girls watch drama?
Being in a female-dominant household, my dad would sometimes complain (although not that often, 'cause he's learned his lesson) that we girls watch too much drama (although we love action and suspense films too). From TV to movies, my mom, my sister and I, would always be interested with stories that involve people crying, dying, loosing their memories (HAHA), falling in love, then out, then in again. I remember him say when I was entering puberty not to watch too much soap operas and teleseryes because they're always too tragic and depressing. But fast forward to the future, here we are, our eyes glued on the TV, crying with the protagonists and getting mad at the mean step-mother or the evil sister.
I too have thought our fondness of drama. But I guess it's not really that we like drama; it's just that in every tragedy, there's [almost] always a love story. Being the more emotional specie, we tend to feel whatever the characters are feeling. And who doesn't like the feeling of falling in love?
In the past few weeks, I've been constantly watching this Korean Drama called Secret Love/Sungkyungkwan Scandal which has been dubbed in Filipino in one of our local channels. And I've noticed myself feeling all twitterpated and blushing with every scene. Its funny and familiar and just unexplanable.
I guess it's because it's been two years since I last had a real crush (real crush /ˈri əl krʌʃ, ril krʌʃ/ n. a crush whom you know personally and also knows you; a crush whom you've actually talked to. Antonym: TV crush, celebrity crush). It's because ever since I transferred to a not-so all girls college (there are a couple of courses that allows males), there's just really no one to have a crush on. And seeing these people liking each other secretly, then openly; learning their feelings and confronting them - developing into something more than friend, it's as if I get to feel the giggly sensation I used to get when being with my crush. It's like all the things that happened (and all the things I wished has happened) to me before is being materialized into a 2D motion picture. Sometimes, memories of past crushes flood my head whenever a scene similar to what happened in the past is played.
This may not be the case for all females, but we have our own variation of this reason why we love to watch drama and love stories. Go and ask your mom and find out her reason?
I guess it's because it's been two years since I last had a real crush (real crush /ˈri əl krʌʃ, ril krʌʃ/ n. a crush whom you know personally and also knows you; a crush whom you've actually talked to. Antonym: TV crush, celebrity crush). It's because ever since I transferred to a not-so all girls college (there are a couple of courses that allows males), there's just really no one to have a crush on. And seeing these people liking each other secretly, then openly; learning their feelings and confronting them - developing into something more than friend, it's as if I get to feel the giggly sensation I used to get when being with my crush. It's like all the things that happened (and all the things I wished has happened) to me before is being materialized into a 2D motion picture. Sometimes, memories of past crushes flood my head whenever a scene similar to what happened in the past is played.
This may not be the case for all females, but we have our own variation of this reason why we love to watch drama and love stories. Go and ask your mom and find out her reason?
Lots of Love,
J<3
Story of Us
I'm a big fan of Taylor Swift, and I love how her songs speak so much about the life of a normal teenager. Whenever I listen to one of her songs, its as if I'm listening to her tell a story about a snippet of my life. She has the gift of expressing the words teenage girls (and sometimes guys) can't say into a song everyone who's been in love, heartbroken, hurt, and experienced all other emotions can relate to.
This song is one of them. Whenever I hear or sing this, I can't stop myself from relating it to how I feel over a guy I used to like (and maybe still like somehow). It really didn't turn out into anything more than us being friends, but I feel like this song is the Story of Us.
I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us,
How we met and the sparks flew instantly,
People would say, "They're the lucky ones."
We met in college, and he was the first guy I got to talk to and we became friends at once. I couldn't exactly say how I felt about him, but we just clicked. A year after (when I transferred schools), that's when I realized that I liked him. I remember telling a friend about the whole story about us, and she was all twitterpated about it.
I used to know my place was a spot next to you,
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat,
'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on.
Now, after almost a year without any communication, I don't know if we're even friends. We're "friends" on Facebook and I follow him on Twitter, but that's it. I sometimes get the urge of clicking his name in the chat box and talking to him, but I just swiftly change my mind and continue to scroll down.
Oh, a simple complication,
Miscommunications lead to fall-out.
So many things that I wish you knew,
So many walls up I can't break through.
I do have a lot of things I would like to say; things I wish he knew. But I just keep loosing the courage to talk to him (even online).
[Chorus:]
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.
I guess that crowded room is similar to the internet, or to Facebook and Twitter. But I sure do ask myself a lot if he feels the same way I do. Does he miss me? Whenever I tell our story to my friends in my new school, they all keep blushing, thinking that our story was just the perfect love story. They had no idea how it has turned out to be. </3
Next chapter.
How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy,
And you're doing your best to avoid me.
I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us,
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here,
But you held your pride like you should've held me.
I don't know what happened when we parted ways, but when I did get enough courage to talk to him (on Twitter, HAHA), nothing happened. He did avoid me (somehow). And posted something about 'letting go' right after. I lost my mind for a while there, replaying everything in my head over and over again. And I know it's a bit too much for me to over-think things and assume that it was for me, but it's far from impossible.
Oh, I'm scared to see the ending,
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how,
I've never heard silence quite this loud.
I really wish I could tell him I miss him because I really, really do. And I am afraid to see how this ends. I don't want to loose even just our friendship.
[Chorus:]
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.
This is looking like a contest,
Of who can act like they care less,
But I liked it better when you were on my side.
The battle's in your hands now,
But I would lay my armor down
If you'd say you'd rather love than fight.
So many things that you wished I knew,
But the story of us might be ending soon.
The lyrics speak for itself. And I'm sure this story has long ended, and it's not a "happy ever after".
[Chorus:]
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now, now, now.
And we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate 'cause we're going down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.
The end.
But I don't want it to end. :'(
Lyrics Source: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/taylorswift/thestoryofus.html
Lots of Love (and a bit of heartache?),
J<3
#schoolmemories
A few weeks ago, #schoolmemories was a trending topic on
Twitter. And together with the rest of the [mostly teen-aged] Twitter
community, I participated in that trend, sharing my own school memories.
Along the way, I couldn’t stop noticing that most, if not all, of the things I said were all high school memories. From the English Campaign, to sleeping in class, the random things we do in school and the places we miss the most, the list goes on. Everything brought me back to the all-too-familiar place I once [and still] call home (my second home, that is).
The last time I was in school was this March when I attended the Graduation Ceremony of the batch who were in second year when I graduated. All the memories started flooding me as I walked down the halls of my alma mater.
I really miss that place; I truly miss being in high school. And that night, when the #schoolmemories was a trend on twitter, the emotions materialized into a dream.
I was sitting in a desk in one of the classrooms, the one we had in fourth year if I’m not mistaken. I saw the faces of the people I’ve been missing a lot – my classmates = my friends = my brothers and sisters = MY FAMILY. We were being oriented by one of our professors about what was going to happen: we’re back in high school!
I don’t know how it’s possible, but the way I understood it
in my dream, we would be spending a term in high school with our high school
classmates. But we still get to pursue our classes in college. (I know it’s
weird, but hey, it’s a dream.)
The next thing I know, I’m in the canteen, eating and
laughing with my BFFs. Everything was fuzzy, and I don’t remember what exactly happened next. All I know is I was back in high school, I can now see my
friends a lot more, and everything was real.
I woke up that morning dreading that I opened my eyes
because I wanted my dream to go on forever. I tried my best to remember what
exactly went on in my dream, trying to re-live every moment, as if they were
real.
I miss my high school friends so much, and I haven’t seen them for so long. I really wish that we could get back to high school for real. But I know that won’t happen, and we have to move on, I have to move on. I just keep wishing and praying to God that no matter how far we go, we don’t forget each other.
It’s hard to set a specific date and time for all of us to just get together and see each other because of all our schedules. And I know it’s almost impossible for all of us to be at the same place at the same time. But if we all just give it a little nudge, who knows, maybe fate will let us cross each other’s lives once again.
To my 4B family, I love you guys with all my heart. I really, really miss you. I hope we can all set some time off our busy schedules and see each other again. I miss you, and I hope to see you ALL soon. >:D< :*
Lots of Love,
J<3
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